Weighing In

blue tape measuring on clear glass square weighing scale
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’m on a diet. Well, no, let’s say I’ve changed my way of eating. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing differently (it’s the keto diet) or why (I’m diabetic and fat). It just matters that I try to avoid that scale in the bathroom as much as possible (it hates me).

For years, we had an old mechanical scale in there. Oh sure, it worked just fine, but I wanted to get rid of it because it was ugly and, well, it worked just fine.

So I bought a fancy digital scale, even though I try to avoid unnecessary battery usage because, at some point, you have to change the battery. And whatever type of battery it needs, that’s the one I just ran out of.

But I digress. I thought the digital scale would be fun … and would be easier than trying to read the old-fashioned scale’s wavering needle without my glasses every morning (or every other morning, or every other other other morning—it all depended on how much conflict avoidance I was mastering that week).

What I quickly discovered was that this thing shows weight changes to a tenth of a pound.

Wait … what?

If you’re doing great on your diet, this is an awesome thing. But if you’re like me, you’re constantly looking for ways to fool it into thinking you’ve lost weight overnight. At least a little

For those of you who silently curse your maddeningly precise digital scale, as I now do, here are some tips for pulling the wool over its proverbial eyes. I bet it gets you at least a tenth of a pound lower:

  1. Stand on it with one foot in the air. Okay, no, this doesn’t work.
  2. Stand on it with one foot on the floor. Okay, this works but it’s cheating.
  3. Stand on it while leaning up against the wall. Okay, this also works but is also cheating.
  4. Stand on it first thing in the morning, before you eat breakfast. This should work, unless you woke up in the middle of the night and grabbed a snack.
  5. Stand on it naked, avoiding any glances in that full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. Some things you just can’t unsee. Your spouse may be required by law to see you naked, but nobody said you have to.
  6. Stand on it after you’ve gone to the bathroom. I won’t elaborate on this.

If all else fails, then try this:

7. Stand on it after you’ve trimmed your nails, cut your hair, coughed up all the overnight phlegm, Q-tipped your earwax, and blown your nose.

You’re welcome.