Blog Archives

I blame Ancestry.com for my heart attack

It started innocently enough.

I got my dad a subscription to Ancestry.com for Christmas, and I just renewed it for him for Father’s Day. Every so often I go to my parents’ house, and the three of us sit huddled around my dad’s computer in my dad’s living room. (And yes, my mom has her own computer … and her own living room. Don’t ask. It seems to work.) We start typing in names, clicking on little bobbing leaves, hoping to add more relatives to our ever-growing family tree.

We all find the process fascinating, though the misspellings of names can be a bit vexing at times. And, a few relatives we’re sure existed seem to defy being found. Makes me wonder if half the family weren’t fugitives living under undocumented aliases.

But I digress.

Yesterday I received a call from my mom … on their cell phone, which means one of two things, since they rarely use their cell phone: Either they’re out shopping and are calling me to ask me the size of something or the best brand of something else, or they’re calling me randomly to use up some of the 1,000 prepaid minutes they’ve racked up because they have to keep rolling them over so they don’t expire.

Yesterday it was neither of those things. The caller ID tells me it’s them on that cell phone.

“Hello? Mom?”

“Hi! Guess what!”

This is never a good game to play with my parents, so I fold immediately, although I realize playing the guessing game could at least use up a bunch of their minutes.

“Dunno. What?”

“You’ve got a sister.”

Silence. More silence. Insert crickets chirping.

“What?”

“You’ve got a sister.”

Not only do I have no idea what she’s talking about, but I also can’t fathom why she waited till they were out gallivanting around in the car to call me to tell me this. I keep asking her “What?” as if the answer will change, or at least be augmented with, say, some actual information, but all she keeps saying in response is, “You’ve got a sister.”

I can tell she’s waiting for me to catch on, but I don’t. My mind is busy whirling around our last Ancestry.com huddle-time, and I start doing the math in my head. A sister—and the cryptic way she’s telling me—means one of several things:

  • My parents are a lot more spry than I’ve been giving them credit for. I do not like this option one bit because the resulting therapy might not be covered by our health insurance.
  • One of them has a past he or she hasn’t been telling me all these years, and they’re doing a preemptive strike before I find this woman on Ancestry.com. I do not like this option either because I’ll have to amend my entire view of my childhood, which is already a bit dicey because I’m over 50 and have trouble remembering my Social Security number properly, let alone what kind of childhood I really had.
  • My only sibling has talked his wife into letting him get a “sister wife.” I do not like this option either because, well, I shouldn’t have to explain this one. Plus, my sister-in-law is a lot smarter than that.

“Well?”

It’s my mother, trying to yank me back to reality. She doesn’t mind using up her ridiculous cache of minutes this way, but it’s probably still pretty annoying to listen to dead silence from my end of the phone. And, let’s face it, it’s also unusual.

“Okay, I give up. It’s not you. And it’s not Mike. So it’s …”

And suddenly it hits me. All this time on Ancestry.com has had me thinking in all the wrong ways—in terms of species. I’m having this conversation with a woman who calls my pet guinea pigs her “grandpigs.” She is calling from the cell phone because, yes, she is at the Beaver County Animal Shelter. And they are picking up an 11-week-old kitten this afternoon.

And now it all makes sense … and I can start breathing again. I don’t have to rethink everything I ever knew about my entire nuclear family.

Meanwhile, I wonder what my younger brother, Scooter the tabby cat, is going to think of his new little sister….

.

Kindle Edition on fire (so to speak)…!

One day out, and so far, so good on the Kindle edition for Fork in the Road … and other pointless discussions! Still awaiting word that the trade paperback version is available on Amazon (although I’ve ordered my own copies because I get certain privileges the little people don’t).

No, wait—the little people DO get those privileges, if they don’t mind ordering directly from CreateSpace instead of from Amazon. (CreateSpace can, well, create them immediately. A few more days for Amazon to catch up.) So if you’re dying for a print copy and don’t care about Amazon’s free shipping thing, you can order trade paperbacks here:

CreateSpace direct link for paperbacks of Fork in the Road

Otherwise, I’m okay with the one-day information on the Kindle edition, having seen this little page on Amazon just now (click the picture to see it bigger and better):

FITR-25-b

And now, I’m off to go see my dad for Father’s Day. And just because he’s so danged awesome. (Or should I saw “au-some”? No, I shouldn’t. It’s an old Au joke. There really aren’t any new Au jokes, though.)

Tomorrow I head off for the St. Davids Christian Writers’ Conference in Grove City, Pa. Once I’m back, I hit the ground running getting several of my NaNoWriMo novels tweaked and sent out in the big wide world….

.

One down, one to go…

Well, finally …

3DBook

Fork in the Road … and other pointless discussions  is lurking around the CreateSpace ether, waiting to be cleared for takeoff. I’m obsessively checking my email inbox every twenty-seven seconds or so (give or take five seconds) so I can check the digital proof as soon as it shows up and approve the final layout.

It’s been a long time coming, but I can honestly say I am happy and relieved to finally have it heading out into the world. It clocked in at about 4,000 words more than Head in the Sand … and other unpopular positions. Many of the essays in Head in the Sand were written for contests or other venues (which makes for a bit of unevenness in a few spots), but everything from Fork in the Road was written with the book in mind.

Gotta give a shoutout to a few folks who saw me through this process with advice and helpful tips (in alphabetical order):
Chris Bowyer (who wishes to be known as Alan Smithee)
Lynne Gordon
Jerry Hatchett
Dora Machado
Lisa McClinsey
Fara Howell Pienkosky
Mel Rigney

I quite literally couldn’t have gotten here without your friendship and wisdom, lovingly shared. Thanks, guys!

In anticipation of Fork in the Road going live any second now [furtively checking email on the second monitor just in case… nope…], I’ve put Head in the Sand’s Kindle edition on sale for $0.99!

HeadintheSandPRINTfinal-FRONT-SMALL

CHEAP! CHEAP!   <——- CLICK HERE!

 

 

The print edition of Fork in the Road should be available in a few days. Once I approve the digital proof, I’m ordering my own copies to take to the St. Davids Christian Writers’ Conference next week. You guys can fight amongst yourselves for the privilege to order your own print copies while I’m gone. And remember to contact me for a free autographed bookplate for either print book! I’ll use an actual stamp on an actual envelope to mail it to you! (This offer void for Kindle editions. It makes no sense to put a sticker over your Kindle screen.)

Be on the lookout for upcoming posts with direct links to Fork in the Road!